Those of you who follow my Facebook page (the rest of you should totally come and join us by the way; it’s where all the cool kids hang out…) will know that Miss O recently turned two. And my God, don’t we know it.
The rage, the tears, that perpetual scowl that just screams “WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY LIFE?!” (and of course, plenty of actual screaming; she nearly deafened me yesterday when I suggested that her father’s pants weren’t appropriate headgear for nursery).
I have to ask, my gorgeous-most, stroppy-most one; is it REALLY so terrible being two??
Here are a few reasons why I think you should reconsider your ‘everything sucks’ stance on toddler life:
Why on earth would you refuse a nap?? I’d LOVE a nap right now!
You have a team of people on hand trying every trick in the book to coax you to sleep, then when you wake up, we congratulate YOU for doing so well! When you’re a parent there is no such thing as a free nap. If one of you lets the other take an impromptu snooze, the napper will spend the remainder of the day on edge, waiting for some God-awful poonami/tantrum/Telletubby-down-the-toilet incident to occur, just KNOWING that the next thing they hear will be “Well, you DID get to have that extra kip earlier…”. Right-oh – I’m off to rescue Tinky-sodding-Winky then…
2. You are the champion. All the time. And I hate to break it to you kid, but *whispers*:
We’re letting you win!!
I know this is a rather rude awakening for you, but I’m not actually THAT shit at football, or running, or Hide and Seek (FYI – the seeking part is made slightly less tricky when you merely shuffle two steps to the left from where I’m counting, put your hands over your eyes and shout ‘gone!’).
3. Adults can’t just leave social events they’re not enjoying – we’re obliged to make awkward small talk, wait it out until the first person exits, then hightail it out of there immediately afterwards and bitch all the way home about those four hours of our lives that we’ll never get back. It’s the law.
You, however, can toddle into the room, quickly assess that it’s not your scene, pull your dress up over your face and weep piteously until someone gives in and escorts you from the premises. In all fairness though – if I did that, I’d probably get to leave a lot earlier too…
4. It may FEEL like I’m being a total buzzkill when I won’t let you play with my phone in the bath/ climb into the bin / bring that dog poo you found at the park home to show Daddy…but one day, when you’re all grown up, you might actually miss having someone on hand to step in and stop you making bad choices (I could have REALLY done with this a decade or so ago when I attended a Halloween-themed boat party dressed as a pirate and drank SO MUCH RUM that I ended up getting into a slanging match with Wonder Woman, tripping over my own sword and vomiting into the Thames… #rumisNOTyourfriend)
5. I know it’s crap when another kid takes your ball at soft play, but let’s get a bit of perspective here…you’re currently standing IN A BALL PIT, surrounded by literally hundreds of the bloody things, which I can guarantee are each as identically unhygienic as the last. It’s really not the end of the world.
You just wait until you’re at work and some absolute wank puffin methodically works their way through YOUR BUTTER (which has your name on it and everything; this isn’t amateur hour) leaving you stuck with that rancid ‘I can totally believe it’s not butter – it’s shite’ nonsense lurking at the back of the fridge. That my girl, is a real fecking liberty.
What other joys of being two do toddlers really not appreciate enough?