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The Bedtime Routine

Once upon a time, Mummy had strong, unwavering views on ‘the bedtime routine’. She had read the baby books, she had watched half an episode of Supernanny, she was sold on that Holy Trinity of ‘bath, book, bed’…she KNEW that consistency, patience and loving reassurance would teach her little cherub to skip off to bed with a spring in her step, a song in her heart, and a deeply ingrained desire to be fast asleep between the hours of 7pm and 7am.

Then, Mummy actually HAD a child… 🙈🤦‍♀️😂

Mummy has long since given up on the nightly bath, given that this tends to involve at least 15 minutes of coaxing her water-resistant offspring into it, 20 minutes of ear-shattering wails of “IT’S IN MY EYES!!!” and a half-dozen slippery laps around the bathroom chasing a dripping-wet preschooler…NO ONE has the time or sanity for that shit every day. Read more

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‘The Lie Down’

Once upon a time, Mummy went for a little lie down.

This was partly because she was feeling ill, and partly because the thought of sitting through yet another ‘Oooh-Tube’ video of Blippi twatting about in a ballpit made her want to chew her own arm off and throw it at him repeatedly until he blacked out. So off she went.

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6 income-boosting tips for busy parents

Are you a busy parent hoping to make your money go further?? Look no further than these 6 top tips to boost your bank balance 😉:

1 – Start a swear jar. Then, let the kids loose in the living room with that giant box of assorted Lego/Shopkins/Kinder crap (I KNOW you have one!) and invite your extended family round to join the fun. Insist on a ‘no shoes inside’ policy. You’ll be a millionaire by lunch time.

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In appreciation of the unextraordinary

So, I was driving Miss O home after a rather uneventful day involving a pootle around the shops and a trip to the library. It was pouring with rain, but we were in high spirits given that we’d seen not one, but TWO yellow cars, and an excellent variety of doggies, including a Dalmatian (which, if you’re as big a fan of Marshall from Paw Patrol as she is, is akin to clocking Taylor Swift sashaying down your local high street…)

After a minute or so of silence, I caught a glimpse of her in my mirror. She was absolutely beaming in my direction.

“Mummy?”

“Yes baby?”

“I am SO happy!”

… I’m not going to lie, I welled up a bit.

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Organising a children’s birthday party – how hard can it be? (Answer – very)

Miss O’s 3rd birthday is fast approaching and she’s desperate for her very own ‘Happy-Birthday-To-You with PRESENTS!!’ (or ‘birthday party’, as it’s known to the rest of us ).

There’s barely enough room to swing a cat in our living room, and in any case I’m reasonably fond of my furniture pre-party-apocalypse, so the time has come to book my very first proper kid’s party!

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How do you know if you’re ready to have another?

Question – is anyone else having that ‘should we have another?’ internal debate and thinking ‘shouldn’t I just KNOW???’

(FYI – I’m referring to children rather than say, biscuits, where of course the answer would be ‘absolutely – finish the packet before anyone else notices’)

But seriously, is there some kind of ‘time for number two!’ alarm that just kicks in one day? Everyone else seems so sure; ‘Oh, we always knew we wanted more’ or ‘nope, we’re one and done!’… is it weird to be so indecisive?

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Pre-baby me vs. post-baby me

Everyone tells you how much your life will change once you’ve had a baby, but until you’re actually living it, it’s impossible to appreciate just how far the goal posts have been moved. Or just how much of your brain will be taken up with Peppa Pig trivia…

After another delightful wake up at ‘f*ck me it’s early!’ o’clock this morning (I can’t believe I used to think 6am was an early start; I’d sell my soul for that kind of lie-in these days), I thought I’d jot down a few pre-baby/post-baby me comparisons…

  • My main source of foot pain pre-parenthood was stupidly high heels. Now, it’s the Lego assault course masquerading as my living room floor.
  • The only chart I paid any attention to was the Top 100. These days my Google history is strewn with growth charts, milestone charts, food charts… I’ve only JUST unfavourited 50 Shades of Shite, also known as that perennial treat for the eyes, ‘Baby Poo – A Visual Guide’

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The Bear Hunt

 

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We’re goin’ on a bear hunt
(She’ll never sleep without it)
Why didn’t we buy a spare one??
(YOU said we didn’t need one!)
But we’re not scared!
(We’re really shit-scared)
Where the fuck could he be?
(Where THE FUCK could he be?!?)

MAYBE we left him in Aldi…

Uh-uh! The Middle Aisle!
The chock-a-bloc, odd-o’clock Middle Aisle
We can’t go over it.
We can’t go under it.
Oh no!
We’ve got to go through it!
Oooh look –  a lawnmower!
(We haven’t got time for this…)
I’ve always wanted a popcorn maker!
(Put that down or you’ll meet your maker…)
A pet crate!
(FFS!)
BALLS – no sign of the bloody bear.

MAYBE we left him at soft play…
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Why Peppa Pig keeps me awake at night…

My husband has just purchased tickets for ‘Peppa Pig’s Adventure!’ at our local theatre, and it’s hard to tell who’s more excited (well, once you’ve ruled me out, as I’m struggling to think of anything worse than spending an hour and 20 minutes in her company).

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The Peppa Pig phase has hit us hard, with no end in sight. In fact, we’ve seen so many episodes, so many times, that I find myself thinking about it far too much!
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The 2-year check: 10 things to bear in mind…

This week, our local Health Visitor Amanda came a-calling for Miss O’s 2-year check. If you have one coming up, here are my key takeaways from the experience!

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“…you want me to do what now??”

1 – Despite knowing deep-down that this was a standard check on my child’s progress and not an examination of my parenting skills, five minutes before she arrived, I found myself casually laying out bowls of fruit and putting the CBeebies ballet on in a last-ditch attempt to look like I had my sh*t together (and cover up Miss O’s chronic addiction to Paw Patrol and Custard Creams).

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