Everyone tells you how much your life will change once you’ve had a baby, but until you’re actually living it, it’s impossible to appreciate just how far the goal posts have been moved. Or just how much of your brain will be taken up with Peppa Pig trivia…
After another delightful wake up at ‘f*ck me it’s early!’ o’clock this morning (I can’t believe I used to think 6am was an early start; I’d sell my soul for that kind of lie-in these days), I thought I’d jot down a few pre-baby/post-baby me comparisons…
My main source of foot pain pre-parenthood was stupidly high heels. Now, it’s the Lego assault course masquerading as my living room floor.
The only chart I paid any attention to was the Top 100. These days my Google history is strewn with growth charts, milestone charts, food charts… I’ve only JUST unfavourited 50 Shades of Shite, also known as that perennial treat for the eyes, ‘Baby Poo – A Visual Guide’
We’re goin’ on a bear hunt
(She’ll never sleep without it)
Why didn’t we buy a spare one??
(YOU said we didn’t need one!)
But we’re not scared!
(We’re really shit-scared)
Where the fuck could he be?
(Where THE FUCK could he be?!?)
MAYBE we left him in Aldi…
Uh-uh! The Middle Aisle!
The chock-a-bloc, odd-o’clock Middle Aisle
We can’t go over it.
We can’t go under it.
We’ve got to go through it! Oooh look – a lawnmower!
(We haven’t got time for this…) I’ve always wanted a popcorn maker!
(Put that down or you’ll meet your maker…) A pet crate!
(FFS!) BALLS – no sign of the bloody bear.
My husband has just purchased tickets for ‘Peppa Pig’s Adventure!’ at our local theatre, and it’s hard to tell who’s more excited (well, once you’ve ruled me out, as I’m struggling to think of anything worse than spending an hour and 20 minutes in her company).
The Peppa Pig phase has hit us hard, with no end in sight. In fact, we’ve seen so many episodes, so many times, that I find myself thinking about it far too much! Read more
This week, our local Health Visitor Amanda came a-calling for Miss O’s 2-year check. If you have one coming up, here are my key takeaways from the experience!
1 – Despite knowing deep-down that this was a standard check on my child’s progress and not an examination of my parenting skills, five minutes before she arrived, I found myself casually laying out bowls of fruit and putting the CBeebies ballet on in a last-ditch attempt to look like I had my sh*t together (and cover up Miss O’s chronic addiction to Paw Patrol and Custard Creams).
So, I was Googling ‘Bing’ to prove to my husband that Coco is voiced by Topsy from ‘Topsy & Tim’ (because that’s the kind of important stuff we argue about these days) and it says that there are 78 episodes of this CBeebies stalwart in total.
Those of you who follow my Facebook page(the rest of you should totally come and join us by the way; it’s where all the cool kids hang out…) will know that Miss O recently turned two. And my God, don’t we know it.
The rage, the tears, that perpetual scowl that just screams “WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY LIFE?!” (and of course, plenty of actual screaming; she nearly deafened me yesterday when I suggested that her father’s pants weren’t appropriate headgear for nursery).
This blog is usually firmly rooted in the ‘toe-curlingly embarrassing parenting mishaps’ category, but I’m shaking things up this week with a post on something that actually went rather well!
On Monday, I took Miss O to an under 5’s cooking class. Technically, I was 7 days late, as I’d set off the previous week with the best of intentions but my Sat Nav dicked about for England, so we ended up turning back 45 minutes later and consoling ourselves with cake at home instead (OK, so not totally mishap-free…)