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The Bedtime Routine

Once upon a time, Mummy had strong, unwavering views on ‘the bedtime routine’. She had read the baby books, she had watched half an episode of Supernanny, she was sold on that Holy Trinity of ‘bath, book, bed’…she KNEW that consistency, patience and loving reassurance would teach her little cherub to skip off to bed with a spring in her step, a song in her heart, and a deeply ingrained desire to be fast asleep between the hours of 7pm and 7am.

Then, Mummy actually HAD a child… 🙈🤦‍♀️😂

Mummy has long since given up on the nightly bath, given that this tends to involve at least 15 minutes of coaxing her water-resistant offspring into it, 20 minutes of ear-shattering wails of “IT’S IN MY EYES!!!” and a half-dozen slippery laps around the bathroom chasing a dripping-wet preschooler…NO ONE has the time or sanity for that shit every day. Read more

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‘The Lie Down’

Once upon a time, Mummy went for a little lie down.

This was partly because she was feeling ill, and partly because the thought of sitting through yet another ‘Oooh-Tube’ video of Blippi twatting about in a ballpit made her want to chew her own arm off and throw it at him repeatedly until he blacked out. So off she went.

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6 income-boosting tips for busy parents

Are you a busy parent hoping to make your money go further?? Look no further than these 6 top tips to boost your bank balance 😉:

1 – Start a swear jar. Then, let the kids loose in the living room with that giant box of assorted Lego/Shopkins/Kinder crap (I KNOW you have one!) and invite your extended family round to join the fun. Insist on a ‘no shoes inside’ policy. You’ll be a millionaire by lunch time.

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Organising a children’s birthday party – how hard can it be? (Answer – very)

Miss O’s 3rd birthday is fast approaching and she’s desperate for her very own ‘Happy-Birthday-To-You with PRESENTS!!’ (or ‘birthday party’, as it’s known to the rest of us ).

There’s barely enough room to swing a cat in our living room, and in any case I’m reasonably fond of my furniture pre-party-apocalypse, so the time has come to book my very first proper kid’s party!

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We survived CBeebies Land!

It’s hot as hell at the moment, so it seemed as appropriate a time as any to visit that parental realm of eternal pain and suffering also known as CBeebies Land.

(Only kidding, I’m not sure how I’d have survived the last three years without those snatched minutes of peace courtesy of Mr Tumble and company!)

I’m going to preface the following with the undeniable fact that she absolutely loved it, and asked if we could come again tomorrow (hell to the no my lovely ).

Anyhoo, here are our key takeaways if you too are a glutton for punishment looking to drop a small fortune on branded tat, warm sandwiches and, of course, creating magical family memories etc. etc…

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Diary of a class bear: Bertie’s big weekend

I rocked up to the nursery pick-up last week and heard the words I’d been dreading for months now…

Yup – we’d been landed with the sodding class bear for the weekend.

If you’d like to find out how Bertie enjoyed his stay, he’s created a lovely photo diary to share with you all!

(FYI – it goes without saying that this isn’t the EXACT draft I sent over to nursery )

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Pre-baby me vs. post-baby me

Everyone tells you how much your life will change once you’ve had a baby, but until you’re actually living it, it’s impossible to appreciate just how far the goal posts have been moved. Or just how much of your brain will be taken up with Peppa Pig trivia…

After another delightful wake up at ‘f*ck me it’s early!’ o’clock this morning (I can’t believe I used to think 6am was an early start; I’d sell my soul for that kind of lie-in these days), I thought I’d jot down a few pre-baby/post-baby me comparisons…

  • My main source of foot pain pre-parenthood was stupidly high heels. Now, it’s the Lego assault course masquerading as my living room floor.
  • The only chart I paid any attention to was the Top 100. These days my Google history is strewn with growth charts, milestone charts, food charts… I’ve only JUST unfavourited 50 Shades of Shite, also known as that perennial treat for the eyes, ‘Baby Poo – A Visual Guide’

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House hunting hijinks

I’ve been a bit quiet on here of late, mainly because we’ve been preoccupied with house hunting.

To say it hasn’t gone well would be an understatement. It doesn’t help that my husband and I are coming at this from completely different angles; I’m trying to tick a million different boxes whilst simultaneously holding out for ‘the feeling’, whereas he’d be happy to live in pretty much anything as long as it had designated parking and a Sky dish…

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Here are a few reasons why we’ve failed to find ‘the one’ so far!
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The Bear Hunt

 

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We’re goin’ on a bear hunt
(She’ll never sleep without it)
Why didn’t we buy a spare one??
(YOU said we didn’t need one!)
But we’re not scared!
(We’re really shit-scared)
Where the fuck could he be?
(Where THE FUCK could he be?!?)

MAYBE we left him in Aldi…

Uh-uh! The Middle Aisle!
The chock-a-bloc, odd-o’clock Middle Aisle
We can’t go over it.
We can’t go under it.
Oh no!
We’ve got to go through it!
Oooh look –  a lawnmower!
(We haven’t got time for this…)
I’ve always wanted a popcorn maker!
(Put that down or you’ll meet your maker…)
A pet crate!
(FFS!)
BALLS – no sign of the bloody bear.

MAYBE we left him at soft play…
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The do’s and don’ts of post-baby fitness

In a bid to give at least one of my New Year’s resolutions a crack (decreasing my wine intake isn’t going quite as well as I’d hoped), I’ve recently join my local Couch to 5k group. If you also foolishly decided on New Year’s Eve that watching ‘SAS: Who Dares Wins’ isn’t actually an exercise regime and vowed to get fit again, here are the top tips I’ve picked up so far…

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