The Bear Hunt

 

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We’re goin’ on a bear hunt
(She’ll never sleep without it)
Why didn’t we buy a spare one??
(YOU said we didn’t need one!)
But we’re not scared!
(We’re really shit-scared)
Where the fuck could he be?
(Where THE FUCK could he be?!?)

MAYBE we left him in Aldi…

Uh-uh! The Middle Aisle!
The chock-a-bloc, odd-o’clock Middle Aisle
We can’t go over it.
We can’t go under it.
Oh no!
We’ve got to go through it!
Oooh look –  a lawnmower!
(We haven’t got time for this…)
I’ve always wanted a popcorn maker!
(Put that down or you’ll meet your maker…)
A pet crate!
(FFS!)
BALLS – no sign of the bloody bear.

MAYBE we left him at soft play…
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The do’s and don’ts of post-baby fitness

In a bid to give at least one of my New Year’s resolutions a crack (decreasing my wine intake isn’t going quite as well as I’d hoped), I’ve recently join my local Couch to 5k group. If you also foolishly decided on New Year’s Eve that watching ‘SAS: Who Dares Wins’ isn’t actually an exercise regime and vowed to get fit again, here are the top tips I’ve picked up so far…

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Why Peppa Pig keeps me awake at night…

My husband has just purchased tickets for ‘Peppa Pig’s Adventure!’ at our local theatre, and it’s hard to tell who’s more excited (well, once you’ve ruled me out, as I’m struggling to think of anything worse than spending an hour and 20 minutes in her company).

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The Peppa Pig phase has hit us hard, with no end in sight. In fact, we’ve seen so many episodes, so many times, that I find myself thinking about it far too much!
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The 2-year check: 10 things to bear in mind…

This week, our local Health Visitor Amanda came a-calling for Miss O’s 2-year check. If you have one coming up, here are my key takeaways from the experience!

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“…you want me to do what now??”

1 – Despite knowing deep-down that this was a standard check on my child’s progress and not an examination of my parenting skills, five minutes before she arrived, I found myself casually laying out bowls of fruit and putting the CBeebies ballet on in a last-ditch attempt to look like I had my sh*t together (and cover up Miss O’s chronic addiction to Paw Patrol and Custard Creams).

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13 cornerstones of a ’90s childhood

In many ways, I envy all the mod cons of Miss O’s childhood; there’s no need for 30 rounds of ‘I Spy’ in the car when you have an iPad packed with Nick Jr episodes, and how about being able to catch up on your favourite shows WHENEVER you like, rather than hoping against hope that you Dad hasn’t recorded over the tape with the sodding snooker again?

BUT – after reminiscing with J the other night, I’ve realised just how many cornerstones of my youth she will never get to experience, and I’ve got to feel for her a bit!

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Five reasons why it’s really not THAT terrible being two

Those of you who follow my Facebook page (the rest of you should totally come and join us by the way; it’s where all the cool kids hang out…) will know that Miss O recently turned two. And my God, don’t we know it.

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The rage, the tears, that perpetual scowl that just screams “WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY LIFE?!” (and of course, plenty of actual screaming; she nearly deafened me yesterday when I suggested that her father’s pants weren’t appropriate headgear for nursery).

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Today I will be mostly…giving myself a break!

I thought I’d be a mum who took it all in her stride. But I wasn’t. I was a mum pushing a pram in the driving rain, crying my eyes out and wondering how on earth I was going to get through the next few weeks, let alone years.

I hoped I’d be a mum who’d say airily “oh, she’ll eat ANYTHING we put in front of her!” But I’m not. I’m a mum who’s seriously considering handing my food shop straight over to the binmen just to save time, and slightly concerned that Miss O will think ALL dinosaurs were made from turkey…

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The Great Baby Bake Off – Miss O’s first cooking class

This blog is usually firmly rooted in the ‘toe-curlingly embarrassing parenting mishaps’ category, but I’m shaking things up this week with a post on something that actually went rather well!

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On Monday, I took Miss O to an under 5’s cooking class. Technically, I was 7 days late, as I’d set off the previous week with the best of intentions but my Sat Nav dicked about for England, so we ended up turning back 45 minutes later and consoling ourselves with cake at home instead (OK, so not totally mishap-free…)

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Fun at the farm: An A-Z guide

I don’t know about you, but since becoming parents, we seem to spend about 50% of our lives looking at farmyard animals.

This week, I’ve put together a handy (*spoiler* it’s completely useless) ‘A-Z’ guide to visiting the farm with your toddler:

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A is for Aghast – how you will feel when faced with the extortionate entry fee. Read more