After you’ve had a baby, it’s virtually impossible to get from A to B without being intercepted by at least a dozen well-meaning strangers keen to have a gander at the fruit of your loins and impart some grade A parenting wisdom.
I wanted to share some of my ‘favourite’ Miss O related comments with you!
“You MUST cherish every moment!”
I’m fully aware of how lucky we are to have her, and that there will come a time when me walking through the door will no longer be the highlight of her day, when I can’t solve every heartache with a cuddle and a Kinder egg. But I’m sorry, I just can’t treasure EVERY moment. Like when she shat in the bath. Or when she had an epic tantrum because I wouldn’t let her climb into the oven. Or when I’m watching Bing at 2am. I think it’s OK not to treasure those moments…
“Is your husband babysitting tonight?”
No, no he isn’t. Last time I checked he’s not an 18 year old girl, I don’t pay him to watch her, and he doesn’t spend the majority of the evening texting his mates and raiding the snack drawer (OK, the last part’s pretty accurate). He’s *shock horror* looking after HIS OWN CHILD whilst mummy drinks Prosecco with her friends and tries REALLY hard to think of something interesting to talk about other than Miss O (which is tricky, because all we seem to watch these days is CBeebies and I can’t remember the last book I read that didn’t involve lifting flaps and locating farmyard animals…)
“Oh, she’s a girl?!?”
This is always said in a slightly accusatory manner, implying that I’ve somehow failed in my motherly duty to label my offspring appropriately for the benefit of passers-by. I hate to disappoint, so now before we leave the house I’m planning on dunking her in glitter, braiding a small herd of My Little Pony’s into her hair and rigging the pram to play ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ when anyone walks past…that should just about cover it!
“I can go and check what we have in the girl’s section?”
Leading on from the above, this was the time when a shop assistant was rather puzzled by my choice of a dinosaur sleeping bag for Miss O….
1 – the ‘girl’ ones had butterflies on them – I bloody hate butterflies. I had a panic attack at a butterfly farm once; why on earth people find being mobbed by a pack of winged beasties an enjoyable family day out I’ll never know.
2 – The dinosaur one was 50% off – this is a pretty big deal. I can only assume that grobags are woven by fairies, hand-washed by mermaids and then gently blown dry by unicorns before they reach the shelves, given the extortionate price charged for what is essentially a sack with straps.
3 – And what?!? She looks awesome in blue, she loves Dinopaws, and surely there were girl dinosaurs too? Although that would explain why they died out so quickly…
“Is she your only one?”
Now this is actually a perfectly reasonable question, but just once, I’d like to react by looking around wildly, shouting “Oh bugger it, I’ve left Tipsy-Lou in Argos again” and tearing off in the opposite direction…
“Having a chilled one today?”
No, Mr Chugger standing oh so hopefully on my doorstep, I am bloody well not. The reason I am wearing my dressing gown at 3.30pm is that my daughter has been vomiting for two days straight, and the only other item of clothing I own that isn’t currently coated in toddler sick is a ‘Sexy Pirate’ Halloween costume, which is a tad risqué for a Wednesday afternoon. And I don’t know about you, but I very rarely ‘chill’ by watching back-to-back episodes of Postman Pat at an ear-splitting volume whilst frantically wet-wiping Happyland Farm animals, who haven’t got an awful lot to be happy about since getting caught in that torrential spew shower after lunch…
Suffice to say, he swiftly took his clipboard elsewhere.
I’d love to hear your baby chat gems!