My guilty conscience has never been a nagging little voice in my head; it’s Miley Cyrus swinging about on a giant flippin’ wrecking ball screaming at me until I do the right thing. The guilt festers inside me until I HAVE to fess up, even with really minor things – I just can’t hack it!

One of the most difficult things about motherhood for me is managing those seemingly constant guilty feelings – did we do enough stimulating activities today, could I have handled that situation better, did I make the right choice there?

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“I’ll look after the remote mummy…”

As the day draws to a close I can feel myself doing the ‘Mum Maths’ and tallying up my score; five points for taking Miss O to the farm today, -10 for the part when she lobbed food pellets at a cow and almost blinded it (she’s got one hell of a right arm on her). Eight points for getting two types of vegetables onto her lunch plate, -10 for letting her have an Easter Egg before 8am because she’d been up for 4 HOURS already and it’s the only known cure for incessant whinging…

I’ve always been pretty crap at maths, but I very rarely feel like I’ve ended the day on a positive score!

Here are some other things that tend to balls-up my total:

  • I rely a little too heavily on CBeebies; we’re basically co-parenting her. We had to put together a ‘My Family’ book for nursery last month and it felt almost disloyal to leave Justin Fletcher out, he visits at least three times a day…

  • I told Miss O that her VTech Pop & Play Elephant was ‘broken’, when it’s actually serving two weeks of solitary confinement in my wardrobe. She bloody loves it, but mummy only has so much patience for a toy that shouts at you whilst simultaneously machine-gunning balls at your boobs.

  • If I get the first whiff of a disgusting nappy, I’ll immediately send her toddling off to J with an enthusiastic “Where’s Dadda?” whilst I find some urgent ‘cleaning’ to do in the kitchen (also known as scoffing Maltesers and browsing Facebook).

  • I have, on many an occasion, fast-forwarded ‘In the Night Garden’ when she’s not looking in a bid to kick-start bedtime a little earlier.

  • The house is a complete tip at the moment – if we were burgled you’d be hard-pressed to tell which rooms had actually been ransacked. I haven’t seen the dining room table for about a year now, I can’t sit on any of the sofas because Miss O is currently showcasing her ‘pots, pans and rubbish she won’t let us throw away‘ collection on them, and I’ve started squinting a bit whenever I go to the bathroom so that it doesn’t look quite as disgusting.

  • I’ve retained absolutely no child-rearing information whatsoever from all those pregnancy classes and books. “Algernon isn’t sleeping well – a classic case of the ‘5 months, 3 days and a smidgen-past lunchtime’ sleep regression”, I’ll hear someone announce at soft play whilst the other mothers nod along sagely. How do they know all this stuff?? J also seems to think that I’m some kind of walking toddler encyclopedia – little does he know that I’m merely the middle-man between him and Google!

  • Sometimes, the mum-rage overwhelms me and I tell Miss O that Dadda is being a bit of a ducking cockwomble. I do however say this in my very best sing-song Mary Poppins voice, in the hope that this balances out the profanity a bit.

  • We chose not to take her to a friend’s wedding recently and packed her off to Grandma’s instead. Miss O had a lovely time but mummy tried to wash away her guilt with lashings of Prosecco…rumour has it that she was carried home at 10:15pm after J caught her doing Jager Bombs with the groom’s father and realised she’d probably had enough. Mummy vehemently disagreed, but on arriving home and promptly vomiting all over Miss O’s singing mini-oven, had to conclude that he may have been right. Oh the shame…

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    She’s never been the same since…

So yes, it’s safe to say that I’m not mummy of the year (or this postcode, or even this room a lot of the time), but maybe I need to review my point-scoring system? Miss O is regularly cleaned, changed, fed and watered – she laughs A LOT, has the nursery staff wrapped around her little finger, and has recently started patting me on the head in an incredibly sweet (if slightly patronising) ‘good job mama!’ kind of way. So we must be doing SOMETHING right. I’m going to have a recount…

(Hang about – I can hear a cork popping downstairs… 50 points for J!)

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23 thoughts on “Doing the Mum Maths

  1. I absolutely LOVE this post!!! Such a different (humorous) take on Momguilt that we all feel and most (me included) have blogged about.
    I can also safely say that Amazon Prime co-parents with us.
    I too fast-forward his TV shows before bedtime
    And ever since he was a baby, I used to tell him the batteries on his noisy toys were over – just to get some quiet!
    10 points for this fab post!
    #FridayFrolics

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sounds to me like you are doing it right. All sane parents fast forward through the Night Garden. And taking kids to a wedding is a form of torture as you remember when you used to have fun! Also getting drunk on prosecco when you have a child free evening is obligatory. I think you are doing you math wrong. You’ve passed with flying colours. Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Haha, this is brilliant. CBeebies is co-parenting with us too…I think most parents can relate to most, if not all of these! It comes with parenting, but as you say, fed/watered/clean, they’re your top scorers! So I think you’re doing just fine 🙂 Becky x #SharingTheBlogLove

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Haha, you’re so right. I do the same mental tally each day as well. But there is only so much you can and they say kids get more time for their parents today than 50 years ago so I think they get more than enough stimulation and care! Hope you enjoyed the prosecco 😉 #BlogCrush

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  5. I think you sound like the perfect parent. I think as long as we put on a Mary Poppins voice we can get away with all sorts, no “spoonful of sugars” over here but more “oh fuckity-fuck” as I step on another piece of lego #FridayFrolics

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  6. Sounds like you’re doing a great job to me! CBeebies is one of the things I’m most grateful for in life – it’s got us through some tough days! And fast forwarding through In The Night Garden is just pure genius – why has this never crossed my mind?! Thanks for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I actually don’t think I know how to be a parent without the help of cbeebies ! I do this kind of maths too, some days I get top marks but most of the time I’m pretty much bottom of the class. You’re so right though that as long as our kids are happy and looked after then does it really matter if we let them eat chocolate for breakfast sometimes?xx #BlogCrush

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: Friday Frolics
  9. Brilliant, as always!! We really need to cut ourselves some slack! I’ve kept mine alive for over four years – that’s amazing when I think about it! Especially as I had no previous experience of even talking to kids!! In the words of your small person ‘Good job Mama!’ 😉 Thanks for linking up to #TriumphantTales, hope to see you again on Tuesday 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Ben’s jumperoo is totally our use to run in the other room and do something, or so i can go pee in peace!
    You sound like you’re doing a fab job, its just a shame theres no video evidence of the night of the wedding, i want to see it or it didnt happen in my eyes! haha.
    Thank you for joining us again at #TriumphantTales, I hope to see you back on tuesday!

    Liked by 1 person

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