There’s been a lot of buzz in the press lately about Mush, a new app to help like-minded parents find each other for local play dates and such. Inspired by this, I’ve put together a short questionnaire to help me assemble my very own parent posse…
Q1: How do you feel about Alfie, VTech’s ever-popular little singing bear?
A – He’s both educational AND adorable! What’s not to love??
B – Who the f*ck is Alfie?? (You have NO idea how lucky you are, one day you too will be given this by a well-meaning relative, and you will WEEP)
C – If I have to sit through “I’m a friendly light-up bear, 1,2 3!” one more bloody time, I’m going to coat him in Pedigree Chum and feed him to next door’s dog…let’s see him count his way out of that one!
Q2: How would you describe your living room style?
A – Do you mean the Drawing Room?
B – I’d say it’s an eclectic mix of Mid-century Modern and Old World charm.
C – Like Toys R Us thew up on it, then the CBeebies cast hosted an all-night, drink-fuelled orgy in it.
Q3: What one thing do you think your local soft play area is currently lacking?
A – We need at least double the number of children climbing up the slides and stopping everyone else from coming down. It’s so key to develop their ‘survival of the fittest’ instincts before they hit preschool.
B – More areas that are only accessible via revolving tunnels, crawl spaces and rope ladders. You’re really not in the soft play zone until you have that head-to-toe sweaty sheen going on.
C – A bar! No wait, a Prosecco bar!! No wait, a FREE Prosecco bar!!! Yup, that’s the one.
Q4: What’s your toddler’s favourite game?
A – She’s a real chess whizz; she pulled the Queen’s Gambit on me last time, little minx!
B – She’s really more into meditating?
C – Whinge Charades – essentially, she screams and gesticulates wildly whilst you frantically try to guess what she wants before one of you starts crying; “You want the cup? You want me to drink from the cup? You want me to put the cup somewhere else?? WHAT DO YOU WANT??!!!”
Q5: What is your friendly online shop delivery driver most likely to say when he hands over your bags?
A – “Sorry, we’re all out of organic quinoa, we’ve substituted it for the regular kind though?”
B – “Hang on, I’ll just go grab that third bag of vegetables…”
C – *Sets boxes of wine down on the counter* “Having a party?” (No no, it’s just us…)
Q6: What was the last text that you sent to your significant other?
A – “I miss you already….no, I love you more!!”
B – “Can you pop into the Early Learning Centre on your way home? The wall-mounted paper distributor in the crafting zone is almost out!” (I’m looking at you, Topsy and Tim’s mum!)
C -“It’s been a f*cking car crash; she’s trashed the place, refused to eat, non-existent naps and I sh*t you not, she punched a chicken at the farm this morning. FML. Get some wine on your way home. Literally anything will do.”
If you got mostly C’s, then yay, we’re a match! So, your soft play hell hole or mine??