I don’t know about you, but since becoming parents, we seem to spend about 50% of our lives looking at farmyard animals.

This week, I’ve put together a handy (*spoiler* it’s completely useless) ‘A-Z’ guide to visiting the farm with your toddler:

A is for Aghast – how you will feel when faced with the extortionate entry fee.

B is for Bored – when your child insists on spending 20 minutes staring at a duck, or feeding a goat an entire pack of feed ONE PELLET AT A TIME (In this situation, B is also for ‘Bricking-it’ that the greedy little bugger might keel over and die from some kind of pellet-induced overdose…)

C is for Cafe – because everyone knows that this is the best bit of any farm trip. Last week, we found one that sells wine…this is truly a business that knows its audience.

D is for those Dads who are clearly having way more fun than their children:

E is for Educational – well, that’s what you tell yourself it is, but let’s be honest, they’re learning f*ck all from you (‘ooh look darling, some kind of llama/alpaca/sheep thing!’) and have spent the majority of the day on the slide/eating sausage rolls…

F is for Freaking out (internally)… trying not to completely lose your sh*t when a goose gets all up in your grill, or some ginormous horse starts cantering straight towards your first-born…

G is for Gift Shop; are you freaking serious lads?? I’ve just remortgaged the house to get in here, plus that extra lump sum for animal feed AND spent a fortune in the cafe. Now, the only way OUT of the farm is directly past shelves laden with cuddly toys and fudge?? Crafty. VERRRYYYYY crafty….

H is for ‘Hell no!’ – your response when someone asks if you’d like to join the 20-strong queue to bottle-feed the lambs. I have my own bleaty headbutter to feed thank you very much – it’s hardly a novelty!

I is for “If you take one step closer to my house, I’ll bloody ‘ave you…”

J is for Jealous – of everyone who isn’t on a farm today.

K is for Kids  – namely, other people’s kids making me laugh. Star of the week went to the boy who responded to “What do you notice about that cow Zach?” (another fruitless ‘let’s make this educational!’ attempt) with “Ummm, that he’s done a massive poo Daddy?” Spot on Zach, have a sausage roll…

L is for lost…damn you Maize Maze!!!

   

M is for mud – bagsie not cleaning the pram when we get home…

N is for Nervous – that they’re now SO in love with rabbits that the next time you pop into Pets At Home (AKA the free zoo), they’re going to have a meltdown when you attempt to leave empty-handed…

O is for Ominous… i.e. when the lady in the cafe plonks your food down on the table and announces loudly “NUMBER 13!!! Unlucky for some…” #nothungrynow

P is for Ponies – don’t let ‘My Little Pony’ fool you – they’re angry, bitey little feckers hell-bent on eating any child who gets close enough...

Q is for Queasy…you know when you get a bit TOO close to the fence and get such a strong waft of ‘eau de goat’ that it claws at the back of your throat? That.

R is for Rain. Because it ALWAYS, ALWAYS rains.

S is for Sympathy – for the poor sow trying to give birth in front of a crowd of gawping visitors. It was bad enough doing it in front of the midwife and my husband…

T is for Tractors. I think I’m going to caption this one with ‘when one of you is having THE BEST TIME EVER, and the other one is having a heart attack’:

U is for ‘I’ll be seeing U in my nightmares creepy sheep beastie’:

V is for ‘Very much regretting choosing a blog format that requires 26 different farm anecdotes’…

W is for those Wristbands they make you wear in case you want to come back in (HAH!!). I do like the part where you can add who they should contact if you get lost though – (worth a shot):

X is for X-rated – there will always be at least one set of animals performing a live sex show, or a horse that almost takes your eye out with his giant dong  (no pics, sorry, didn’t want to get blocked on Google…)

Y is for ‘Y the f*ck did I think A-Z was a good idea??’ (nearly there chaps!)

And finally, Z is for Zzzzzz – the ultimate farm fail; when your child falls asleep in the car MOMENTS after you arrive, and it’s just you and your husband, looking at chickens and wondering when you can leave…