I’ve always enjoyed a good giggle at the horoscopes you get at the back of magazines – they’re so fantastically vague, and full of promises of fame, fortune and fabulous lovers winging their way over to you ASAP…

I have to say though, they seem even more unlikely these days!

Here are some of my recent faves:

“A tall dark stranger will ask you to dance…”

PAH!! Justin Fletcher told me to wiggle my bottom this morning, does that count? They certainly don’t get much stranger than him…

“The year ahead will offer many opportunities for travel”

You’re bang on Mystic Meg – I’ve been up and down those stairs at least 20 times today AND made an extra trip to the Co-op to hand back the Werther’s Originals my thieving git of a toddler swiped on the way out!

 “Are you attending a group activity today? You could meet a potential new love interest!”

I’d say that the chances of finding love at Rhyme Time are pretty darn low – the last guy I had a close encounter with there was Incy Wincy Spider, and he really doesn’t do it for me…

“This is a good day to do some meditating. Take a few moments to connect with your inner guide.”

Uh huh…unless my inner guide is a dab hand at ironing or knows where the f*ck the remote’s been hidden, she can pipe down whilst I tackle the 3,935 other tasks I have on my list today before I get to ‘meditating’…

“Today, you might be feeling particularly warm and loving towards your partner – however, you might have trouble reaching each other. Phone messages might not be delivered, or perhaps one of you is overseas?”

Or….perhaps one of you has spent the past hour unsuccessfully attempting to commando-crawl out of a pitch-black bedroom without waking your little sleep thief, whilst the other tries to fish Postman Pat’s van out of the toilet. Just a guess like…

“Are you finding it difficult to concentrate? Something is distracting you, and it’s probably love.”

Nope, it’s definitely how much the Teletubbies are enjoying riding Noo-Noo…

“The desire to learn new skills will be sparked by a sudden event today”

Yup – I really wish I’d mastered fishing BEFORE she shat in the bath…

“Today, those closest to you may appear to be rather quiet and reluctant to spend quality time with you. Use encouraging words and your magnetic personality to draw them out”

Sod that Meg – this is the first time I’ve sat down in a fortnight! Me and my magnetic personality are off to the fridge to spend some quality time with Mr Prosecco…