Since social media worked out that I’m a mother (it’s clever/creepy like that) it’s constantly bombarding me with ‘Super Parent’ type photos and articles that I just know I’m never going to live up to. At no point will I ever get around to hand-crafting a submarine bed for Miss O’s room, building a rollercoaster in the garden or sending her to school with a ‘Bento box’ lunch complete with butterfly-shaped sandwiches and an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower constructed entirely from carrot sticks…

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“Seriously Teddy, she should just quit whilst she’s behind…”

That doesn’t stop me dipping my toe in the crafting/baking/magic-making waters, but it just never seems to go to plan! For example:

  • In a bid to channel my inner Annabel Karmel, I went out and bought a muffin tin (am I the only person that doesn’t just have one of these lying around??) to make some mini veggie omelettes with, because apparently, toddlers can’t get enough of these bite-sized healthy treats…Miss O spent the entirety of dinner time lovingly stroking them, like they were some kind of eggy pet chiwawa, and visibly recoiling whenever I casually suggested she try a bit…
    But of course, if Beardy Weirdy Captain Birdseye endorses it, she’s all over it!! 

    (A photo below of what she could have won, which I’m going to parade around like that completely useless speedboat they dangled in front of landlocked pensioners on Bullseye)

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  • I spent hours in Waterstones picking out books that were tactile and engaging; whimsical tales with a sprinkling of early numeracy development seamlessly woven in… all she wants to read at the moment is the Argos catalogue and a leaflet the Jehovah’s Witnesses posted through our letterbox last week…
  • I really tried to make her first World Book Day at nursery special – I couldn’t wait to capture that beaming smile and unquenchable excitement for the day ahead!

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Well, that went well…

  • Had a proper ‘I’m TOTALLY on top of this work/home-life balance malarkey’ moment after fitting in some early morning crafting before dropping Miss O off at nursery one day…bossed it through a series of meetings to only THEN discover the Octonauts stickers on my arse. FML.
  • I set aside some time to brush up on my first aid / rash awareness knowledge, and gave myself a mental thumbs-up for being so organised. The next day I was on the phone to the Doctor in a complete panic, convinced that some kind of deadly toxic gunk was seeping through her vest from her belly button – upon closer expectation it turned out to be a melted chocolate button she’d dropped down her t-shirt…

Ahh well, I’m off to pick Miss O up from nursery now – apparently, they’re celebrating ‘International Mud Day’ today…fan-bloody-tastic!

(Why is it NEVER ‘International stop crapping in the bath Day’ or ‘World go to bed at 6pm and get up at 10am so mummy can catch up on Masterchef and drink ALL the wine Day’??)

Better go and fetch the hose…

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