I always fancied myself as a bit of an actress at school, despite the fact that my most significant roles were ‘leper number 4’ in Jesus Christ Superstar and the main man himself in Pudsey Bear: The Musical! (yes, that was an actual show, and no, thankfully there is no photographic evidence).

I probably won’t be treading the boards again anytime soon, but it turns out that being a mother affords me PLENTY of opportunities to work on my acting skills!

“How creative darling – no, mummy’s not crying…”

Some of my greatest acting challenges so far:

  • The ‘where can she possibly be hiding?!” game. It’s a truth universally acknowledged that children are absolutely sh*t at hiding. I spend at least 30 minutes each day elaborately searching under sofas, behind curtains and inside saucepans for Miss O, whose hiding place of choice is generally behind her hands, about 2cms away from me…
  • Containing the mum rage when J let her unleash her inner Picasso on the kitchen units “Let’s not do that any more darling; if Mummy has to spend the entire evening scrubbing your doodles off the cupboards, how on earth will she find the energy to furiously whisper expletives at Daddy once you’re in bed?”
  • My shocked ‘she did WHAT – that doesn’t sound like her at all!!’ face when Miss O’s nursery handed over her third ‘Child A was a bit of an arse to Child B’ type Incident Letter of the term (even though it sounded rather a lot like her, given that the last time we’d played peekaboo she got overexcited and nutted me in the nose)
  • The delighted ‘oh, you’ve got ANOTHER Kinder Egg; how lovely!” reaction. I chuffing hate those eggs. You think stepping on a piece of Lego is bad? Kinder Egg toys are a whole new level of pain. And why are the pink ones so lame? What kid wants clothes horse Barbie with pointless mahoosive handbag when they could have a Marvel action hero??
  • That casual nonchalance you adopt when they refuse to eat their dinner yet again…‘ahhh no bother, let’s just sit here for a bit and see if you fancy something – just a bite? No? OK, how about I leave some in a bowl for you?’ [toddler laughs and skips joyfully out of the room]. Inside, you’re crying with frustration and wondering why Jamie Oliver’s kids will eat Chinese steak and tofu stew, but yours has pledged unwavering allegiance to Captain Birdseye…
  • The “Oh isn’t she funny, she’ll have to move in with you!” carefree laugh/casual hair-flick when desperately attempting to peel Miss O off Nanna to take her home. Are you having a giraffe love?? I GREW you, I gave up wine for A YEAR for you, I can’t even remember the last time I watched anything that didn’t star a talking animal – FOR YOU; how am I not your favourite?!? What a kick in the bloody teeth.
  • Trying to look pleased when you unwrap a gift that someone’s bought your child, and it’s one of those toys that you know is going to ruin your life, i.e. Shouty McFlashy Lights; the 1000 piece play set… it’s tricky to simultaneously gush over how clever they were to find it, and rack your brains for the perfect counter-gift to buy when their little darling’s big day rolls around (ideally something that farts glitter and plays ‘It’s a Small World’ on a loop…)

What are your Oscar-worthy parent performances?


13 thoughts on “And the Oscar goes to…

  1. Smiling sweetly and saying, “yes, darling?” when my 5 year old has called “mummyyyyy” from her room after lights out – for the seventh time! When actually I just want to shout, “JUST GO TO SLEEP!!!”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, without a doubt it’s the “keeping my serious mom face when inside I’m positively dying inside with laughter” when my kids do something like whip out an inappropriate body part or drop an F bomb.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lately Ben has a habit of yanking on my earrings and I say no, but he looks at me with a face of “give a shit” so my acting skills are put to the test to not snot all over him with laughter… he really has the funniest expressions and makes it so hard to tell him off!
    Thanks for sharing these oscar winning performances with us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back next week!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The noisy toy thing is something I hate. I have plotted revenge for a few people who have bought noisy annoying toys!

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  5. Oh man! For me, it’s definitely when I have to feign gratitude when someone gives them a gift, or a sugary treat because it would be ‘rude’ to react otherwise. My boys’ bloody Nan likes to leave some sort of chocolate or sweet every damn time she pops over, they literally have a tub in the cupboard with last year’s Halloween candy still in! No more! #coolmumclub

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  6. Amazing… you definitely deserve the Oscar 😉 I think I’d nominate myself for the ‘not stressed at all’ performance whilst dragging a screaming two year old on the school run.

    Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I fear I have no Oscar winning performances as I graduated from the school of brutally honest couldn’t fake it if I tried parenting. I think it’s an Indian thing; HOW is it possible I didn’t inherit this skill of yours when I grew up in the UK, land of the stiff upper lip and pretend things are ok dammit?! I salute you. #coolmumclub

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