I’ve just rolled in from another action-packed soft play session with Miss O, and realised that it’s all feeling rather familiar; the sticky floors, the dated tunes blaring out at a volume that makes your ears bleed, that faint whiff of vomit…

Here’s why soft play is a lot like going clubbing:

“It’s so bloody loud in here…”

  • The name of the place is usually a bit off the wall and hints at the carnage that will ensue inside; Pandemonium, Kidzmania, Berserk – my absolute favourite is the unwittingly evocative Ding Dong Fun Bus in London, which sounds more like something The Chippendales would tour on…
  • It’s massively overpriced – an extortionate entry fee, luke-warm drinks; but they have you over a barrel because nowhere else is open at this ungodly hour!
  • It’s wall-to-wall sweaty people – 50% of whom look like they’d rather be literally anywhere else right now.
  • Someone’s definitely pissed all over the toilet floor.
  • You can spot the birthday crew a mile off – they’re hogging all the tables, incredibly over-excited, and at least one of them is wearing a Superhero costume.
  • There’s a girl openly sobbing in the corner because she’s fallen out with all her mates.
  • In the opposite corner, there’s a lad who’s already sleeping it off, despite the fact that he only walked in 30 minutes ago. Before you know it he’ll be throwing up in the loos and staggering about the place on his second wind…
  • You’ll hugely overestimate how steady you are on your feet, and invariably end up falling on your arse and trying not to cry.
  • There’s always that one guy making a complete prat of himself and ruining it for everyone else (this week it happened to be my husband, who forgot that he was by far the heaviest occupant of the bouncy castle zone and bounced a little TOO enthusiastically; the whole thing dipped and about 20 kids hit the deck and rolled into him)…
  • An hour or so in, you’re really keen to go, but the annoying person you came with keeps running off and absolutely refuses to leave because they’re having “THE BEST TIME EVERRRRRR!”
  • You finally escape; bruised, bedraggled and absolutely knackered, vowing never to cross the threshold again (whilst knowing you’ll almost certainly be back next week…)
Pink Pear Bear
R is for Hoppit
3 Little Buttons

36 thoughts on “Why soft play is a lot like going clubbing…

  1. Oh this made me laugh out loud. I had never made the connection before but you are right being in soft-play is like a nightclub. Also, you spend the next day vowing never to do it again but then the following week you find yourself back in that club/soft-play hell #FridayFrolics

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hilarious! & oh my god – so true! The girl crying in the corner! Someone being a prat! The person you came with refusing to leave! It’s the new clubbing once you’re a parent!

    Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my GOD I nearly burst something laughing. ‘unwittingly evocative’ the pissing on the floor and the girl crying in the corner. The WHOLE thing. Too good not to share. Thank you for making linky reading actually more enjoyable than Netflixing (sssshhhhh I didn’t really say that) #coolmumclub

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You’ve totally nailed this! I would never have made this comparison but it’s spot on – and in fabulous humour too, as always! Thanks for linking up to #TriumphantTales, really hope to see you back on Tuesday 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Just popping back from #blogcrush because someone loved this post so much (understandably!) that they added it to our linky. Congratulations! #blogcrush

    Liked by 1 person

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