Lambing season also seems to be baby season this year – my lovely friends and family are popping out sprogs left, right and centre at the moment! What surprises me the most when they ask for advice (aside from the fact that they’re actually asking ME; they clearly don’t read this blog) is how shockingly little of the detail I remember! The products we used, the routines we had in place, the tips we tried; it’s all a bit of a blur now…

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FYI – that’s a ‘she’s just crapped herself in her sleep’ smile…

What I DO remember, however, are the following glaring omissions from those ‘What To Expect Once Your Hoo-ha’s Been Hijacked‘ type books:

1. I spent far too much time worrying about my boobs and totally neglected to consider the postpartum consequences of squeezing a cannonball-shaped baby down my birth canal; ice packs, rubber rings, Tea Tree Oil… be prepared ladies!

2. Wooden toys are beautiful, durable and classic, but they hurt like hell. Childbirth is bloody painful, but being repeatedly smacked in the face with a maraca is no picnic either…

3. From now on, whenever you’re in the shower, you’ll be convinced that you can hear your baby screaming, even when they’re not. Unless ‘Psycho’ happens to be your go-to chill-out movie, this really sucks, as it’s often the only chance for a bit of peace and quiet that you’ll get all day!

4. Babies spend 90% of their time finding new and interesting ways to give you a heart attack. That periodic breathing crap they pull, their ability to turn bright purple on a whim… Miss O’s new trick is to suddenly stop everything she’s doing, stare into an empty corner of the living room and start waving in a horrifying ‘I see dead people!‘ fashion. It’s totally fine though, I didn’t fancy sleeping tonight anyway…

5. It’s entirely possible to be absolutely maxed out, yet incredibly bored at the same time. There was a period of time (let’s call it the 6 – 12 week shitstorm) when the only way I could get Miss O to stop crying was to walk her around the bathroom for HOURS on end with the tap running – here’s an interesting fact; there are exactly 322 tiles on my bathroom walls! Consider your world rocked…

6. Lullabies are COMPLETELY unfit for purpose. They’re all about 10 seconds long, max. Show me a mother who can get a colicky child to sleep by the last bar of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star and I’ll show you a bloomin’ liar. In the end, I had to resort to a chilled-out version of that perennial favourite, the 12 Days of Christmas – she was usually out for the count before the lords started a’leaping, thankfully!

7. Sometimes, you just have to think creatively around seemingly impossible problems. Like the time Miss O was in hospital and we had to collect a wee sample from her before we could go home (FML). After an unsuccessful hour spent chasing a half-naked toddler around a ward with a paper bowl, she climbed aboard for a cuddle, pissed all over me, and hopped off. What’s a girl to do? Strip off and wring said wee-soaked clothing out over the bowl of course – job done!

8. It’s a great idea to batch cook and freeze lots of meals in advance. It’s also worth asking yourself if you’d be happy to eat them A – with one hand, B – freezing cold, and C – in under 45 seconds (the answer of course is D – all of the above…)

9. It’s amazing when they start crawling, then walking, and how quickly this progresses to full-on sprinting. Every time Miss O runs screaming towards me, my heart is filled with love, but also, a very real fear that this might be the head-on collision that ends me…

10. And finally, when it comes to nappy clean-up operations, cotton wool balls are utter shite. Unless you’ve always longed for a child with the face of an angel and the arse of a sheep, in which case, they’re flippin’ fantastic.

I might write in and see if I can get some of these into the next edition… any that you’d add?

DIY Daddy Blog
One Messy Mama
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Lucy At Home

36 thoughts on “‘What to Expect’ – 10 things the baby books didn’t cover”

  4. Spot on I personally have liked baby books not worth the paper they written on fab post Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please

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  11. This is hilarious – I used to do the shower thing all the time!! I was pretty quick anyway, but if I thought I heard the baby crying I’d jump out with conditioner still in to find him fast asleep….#DreamTeam

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  14. So true. Then again, I feel like some of these are things that people try to tell us…you just cannot understand what parenthood will be like until you try it.
    Thanks for sharing. #globalblogging

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  15. I was laughing out loud by the time I got halfway through your list! It is amazing how much we forget, or fades. But, the scarring moments sure do stay there forever. It only gets more fun and scarring in whole new ways! #TriumphantTales

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  16. It is SO true about the hearing a baby screaming in the shower….and while you’re enjoying a nice movie…and when you’re doing anything apart from settling the baby….I’ve also found, babies are an extravagantly great way to find lint and hair. Especially once they’re crawling….even when I have just vacuumed!

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  19. You had my giggling like mad at the angel face/sheep arse bit. These are both sooo good and sooo true! This is the sort of stuff I wanted to know before I signed up for this motherhood malarkey! I think you need your own book – I’d read it! #dreamteam

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  20. The way I solved the lullaby problem is to sing it on a loop. Over and over again. What worked best is if I sang it slighly quieter and slower each time. Now that Peachy is a little bigger reading a story works better so no more songs being stuck in my head on repeat for day on end. #ThatFridayLinky

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  21. this is so true! Ben only settles with little mix on repeat and boy does it get annoying after the third time! luckily he’s not been too bad but that wee specimen? Ben decided to wee as soon as a pulled his nappy back to check if he’d wee’ed on the swabbing they gave us… it went all over the blue roll he was laid on… your tee-shirt was my blue roll incident.
    I dont even think hubby knows this either as I was so scared they’d trace blueroll hahah!
    Thanks for linking up to #TriumphantTales

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  22. You’ve totally nailed this list and properly had me giggling along _ I even read your bathroom tile story out to the hubby who wanted to know what I was laughing at! I totally remember that whole baby crying whilst in the shower business – half the time he was spark out – it gets into your head like NOTHING else. What is with that?! Brilliant post again, as always lovely! Thanks so much for linking up to #TriumphantTales – hope to see you again on Tuesday!

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  23. Pingback: Global Blogging #23 - One Messy Mama

  28. Love this! All so true and much useful than some of the rubbish you read in baby manuals..this is the real deal! Face like an angel/arsenal of a sheep…hilarious!Thanks for linking up to #BlogCrush

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  29. I wish someone told me I wouldn’t ever be able to sneeze, cough or laugh without pissing my pants ever again. Oh and don’t even get me started about about my poor bum. #thanksbaby

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